The Miracle of Flight

The TSA has a lot of rules to follow when traveling on a plane. I think there should also be common etiquette rules. And if you break them you should be put on a "no fly list."

I can see you sneakily trying to cut in front of me at the gate. Calm down. I'm not your enemy. Say thanks when I let you in line. The plane won't take off until everyone from the boarding area is on the plane. Do you really want to sit on the plane those extra 5 seconds?

If you move seats because you don't want to sit by a baby, don't get angry when the person whose seat you took shows up at the last minute. It's not their fault you hate children. Nor is it the flight attendant's fault. I understand that you're a hundred years old, and it's cool if you want to hark back to the good old days of flight, but don't call her "stewardess" in a condescending tone.

If you are sitting 3 to a row (aisle, middle, window), you should relegate the inside arm rests to the poor guy sitting in the middle seat. If you're on the isle, you have all that extra room of the isle. If you're by the window, you can lean up against the side. If you are on the isle and absolutely must have the arm rest, then let your big, hairy arm stay on the arm rest; don't cross over into my area.

Do not get angry at the flight attendant because they only have Merlot. If you're sitting in coach with the rest of us common folk, don't try to show your sophistication by huffing and puffing about your knowledge of different types of wine. It makes you look petty. And we don't care. And if you do make a show of your superior wine preference, don't order another bottle of the wine you just complained about. 

Don't dig your knees into the back of the seat in front of you. The person in front could have a bad back and your knees don't help with their pain.


Don't grab the head rest in front of you to help you get out of your seat. The person may have some water in their hand and they may be in the middle of a drink and it may spill in their lap making them uncomfortable for the remaining 2 hours of the flight.

If you need to stand up during the flight, don't hang out in my area. I have a sensitive nose (see previous blog, "I Smell Well") and you smell like you've been flying all day. Wait a minute... You smell like the guy digging his knees into the back of my seat and who used the back of my headrest to heft his smelly body into the isle spilling my water into my lap...

If you were so inconsiderate of the safety of those of us on the plane to purposely leave your cell phone on during the flight, at least put it on silent so you don't terrify the old couple in front of us. And don't answer your phone when we're preparing for landing. You're not a super hero getting a call from Commissioner Gordon. You can wait 10 more minutes to talk about how scandalous it was that you were forced to drink two bottles of white wine.

Flying can be a pleasant experience for everyone if we just follow simple rules of etiquette. The comedian Louis CK said that it's a miracle that we're even flying at all. If we were in awe of the fact that we're sitting in a chair flying through the air, we'd be a lot kinder and considerate to each other.

I smell well.

I love smelling and I'm really good at it. I'd even say that it is a super power.

I’m not talking about the scent that I give off, but rather the scents I take in. (Although since I recently switched deodorants, my kids linger a little longer around my armpits saying, "I love the way you smell!" The lid of my deodorant describes the smell as "exotic wind and spicy freedom.")

As long as I can remember, I’ve always stuck my nose deep into foods before I ate them. (I love the warm smell of Rhodes Rolls fresh out of the oven on Sunday afternoon.) This drove my mom (and now my wife) crazy. "Get your nose out of there! We’re going to eat that!"

But in my defense, I can’t fully enjoy food without experiencing everything it has to offer. And I can’t just take a cursory whiff; I’ve got to dig into it. I don’t want other scents around the dish to influence the item I’m inhaling.

This obsession with smells manifests itself in every aspect of my life. Anything new or anything that comes in a package gets a deep olfactory inspection: board games, computers, and books.

When people walk by me in close spaces, I take an incognito deep breath through my nose, hold it, analyze it, and slowly let it out. I’ve gotten really good at this over the years. If you’ve ever met me, I’ve done it to you. And you probably didn’t even notice. Do you see now why I think it’s super power?

The one thing that my wife likes about my obsession with smells is that my nose knows when to pull things out of the oven. We still set the timer, but the times we trust the timer over my nose, the dish is either undercooked or burnt.

Some of my favorite uncommon smells:
- Doctors’ offices (the rubbing alcohol and the patient files)
- Dentists’ offices (the hint of the nitrous oxide, the paper bib, and the flavored paste)
- Old Navy (the mixture of new clothes and rubber (do they make tires too?))
- A sleeping baby (they smell good when they just wake up too.)
- Almond oil (my mom would rub this on our faces as kids. I’m surprised I have any open pores. I am grateful though; it's really helped reduce the signs of aging.)
- Wet pretzels (I like to lick off the salt on an individual pretzel and smell it. It sounds gross, I know, but don't knock it `til you try it. You don't know how hard it is to not do it in public, like on airplanes.)
- Puppy breath (is so pure, it almost makes me cry.)
- Fresh mown grass (the way grass and gas fumes mix is heavenly.)
- A hot rag with Pine Sol (a Pine Sol disinfected kitchen floor is the perfect smell of clean.)

Some of my least favorite smells:
- A cold rag with Pine Sol (a cold rag that was used to clean the kitchen floor that gets left in the sink somehow manages to negate the clean smell. My advice: as soon as the floor is cleaned, take the rag outside or put it in the wash.)
- Headaches (they smell like a Coca-Cola Slurpee and linger for hours.)
- Mean people (they have a spicy, stir-fry smell to them.)

My favorite smell is my wife. I'm not just saying this to get points (but if they come, I'll gladly accept them). I don’t know how she does it, but from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed, she smells like flowers and love and freedom.

So the next time you see me up close and it looks like I'm pondering the universe, know that my nose is collecting, analyzing, and (hopefully) enjoying the smells around me (including you).

Whole-Wheat Pasta, The Office, Orson Scott Card and Christmas

I had whole-wheat pasta for dinner tonight. I don’t know if I like it because it tastes good or because my brain tells me that it might be better for me than regular pasta. Come to think of it, the texture wasn't very appealing.

I'm looking forward to "The Office" tonight. It is an hour long. I was pleasantly surprised to finally find a good new sitcom this season: I watched "Help Me Help You" for the first time the other night and genuinely laughed the whole way through. I am excited to watch the next episode.

I am starting the Alvin Maker series by Orson Scott Card. I've only read a little bit, but already I am enthralled/addicted. I was on an OSC kick a while back and I read Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, Enchantment, Sarah, and Monkey Sonatas. Every thing he writes, I fall in love with. He has such a mastery of words and story telling. I am excited to be an OSC addict again.

I love the Christmas season. Christmas shows (Rankin-Bass Rudolph, The Animated Grinch, White Christmas, and Christmas episodes of my favorite TV shows); Christmas smells (Pine, cinnamon, pumpkin spice, oranges, wrapping paper, scotch tape, new electronics just out of the box (I still remember when I opened up my first Nintendo and the robot that came with it had such an exciting new smell. (The games that you used the robot on were fun for a minute, but then it would take too long for his head to move and you would get frustrated and move on to Mario Bros., Excite Bike, Castlevania, or Ikari Warriors (I think it was up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-select-start to get extra lives or something cool like that))), and new He-Man figures (yes, I do say at the end of "Wassail and Apple Pie" that I want Skeletor)); and Christmas music (Nothing beats The Canadian Brass Christmas).

I hope you have a very merry Christmas.

Thank you for all of your support this year. I really am blessed.