The Miracle of Flight

The TSA has a lot of rules to follow when traveling on a plane. I think there should also be common etiquette rules. And if you break them you should be put on a "no fly list."

I can see you sneakily trying to cut in front of me at the gate. Calm down. I'm not your enemy. Say thanks when I let you in line. The plane won't take off until everyone from the boarding area is on the plane. Do you really want to sit on the plane those extra 5 seconds?

If you move seats because you don't want to sit by a baby, don't get angry when the person whose seat you took shows up at the last minute. It's not their fault you hate children. Nor is it the flight attendant's fault. I understand that you're a hundred years old, and it's cool if you want to hark back to the good old days of flight, but don't call her "stewardess" in a condescending tone.

If you are sitting 3 to a row (aisle, middle, window), you should relegate the inside arm rests to the poor guy sitting in the middle seat. If you're on the isle, you have all that extra room of the isle. If you're by the window, you can lean up against the side. If you are on the isle and absolutely must have the arm rest, then let your big, hairy arm stay on the arm rest; don't cross over into my area.

Do not get angry at the flight attendant because they only have Merlot. If you're sitting in coach with the rest of us common folk, don't try to show your sophistication by huffing and puffing about your knowledge of different types of wine. It makes you look petty. And we don't care. And if you do make a show of your superior wine preference, don't order another bottle of the wine you just complained about. 

Don't dig your knees into the back of the seat in front of you. The person in front could have a bad back and your knees don't help with their pain.


Don't grab the head rest in front of you to help you get out of your seat. The person may have some water in their hand and they may be in the middle of a drink and it may spill in their lap making them uncomfortable for the remaining 2 hours of the flight.

If you need to stand up during the flight, don't hang out in my area. I have a sensitive nose (see previous blog, "I Smell Well") and you smell like you've been flying all day. Wait a minute... You smell like the guy digging his knees into the back of my seat and who used the back of my headrest to heft his smelly body into the isle spilling my water into my lap...

If you were so inconsiderate of the safety of those of us on the plane to purposely leave your cell phone on during the flight, at least put it on silent so you don't terrify the old couple in front of us. And don't answer your phone when we're preparing for landing. You're not a super hero getting a call from Commissioner Gordon. You can wait 10 more minutes to talk about how scandalous it was that you were forced to drink two bottles of white wine.

Flying can be a pleasant experience for everyone if we just follow simple rules of etiquette. The comedian Louis CK said that it's a miracle that we're even flying at all. If we were in awe of the fact that we're sitting in a chair flying through the air, we'd be a lot kinder and considerate to each other.